one of my happy songs came on this morning when i was getting ready for the day. and i remembered i wanted to share it with you.
you know in movies when that one girl dances around her house singing a song and its really cheesy? thats me. with this song. no matter what kind of mood im in. so maybe it works for you too. but you’ll have to listen to find out ;)
i just keep trying to do the right thing. trying to follow Gods leading. trying to handle things the appropriate and reasonable way. not that i ever used to. and not like i was making good decisions when i felt like i was trying. i just told myself i was trying. but now i am trying. and you know how i know? because it’s hard. and it hurts. and it makes my stomach sick. and i think a lot. and i’ll get peace sometimes. and then i’ll get sad. and then i’ll understand. and then i’l brush it off a little. and then in time… it seems like things could be different. and i dont know if God’s changing my heart or if im not protecting it. i’m in a beautiful mess. i’ve learned more than i could ask for, and even more than i would have cared to. it’s been creative, and difficult and painful and hurtful and i’ve never been more consistently frustrated but laughed so much in my life. i want to be healed first. i want to learn about love from Love Himself. but i have always been such a lazy bride to Him. i want to keep myself passionate, i want to be His, and i want His will. i want to know things. i want to know our things. i want to keep all of us happy and walking in Him. i dont want to have to make all the decisions. i dont want to be the only one making the move that no one else wants to. i dont want to be the only one hearing Him. i want to be equal. i want to feel the sting of hearing someone else tell me that it’s not right and have us be on the same page. i want to be interlocked in the way we think and how we feel, past our human desires. i want to make good decisions. i want to pray everyday all day. i want to be walking in His perfect will. i dont want others words or feelings or opinions to sway mine. i want to be perfectly sure of His voice. i dont want to go back and forth. i want to be happy. i want to be sad and longing for something else if thats the will. i dont want to be the only person that understands His will. i dont want to walk alone. i dont want to lead in this way. i dont want all the weight of the direction of a relationship. i dont want to control everything. i dont want to be the reason for others pain. i dont want to care about caring though. i want to be strong enough to do whatever it takes. i wish i could stop struggling with my own personal sins or faults or mindsets. i want to be set free. i want to be rescued. i dont want to be hypocritical. i dont want to expect perfection. i want to know that i will for sure know one day. i want clarity from the Father. i want more patience to wait. i want a more quiet mind to hear. i want my Father to be tangible at all times to me. i want to wake up a generation. i want to stand on my own feet, move, and move others. i want my prayers to be so stored up, that they are released just be a glance, by a step, by reaching out my hand. i want to be in sync with my Father. i want to be a portal that brings Heaven with me wherever i go. i want the strength to fight. i dont want to be scared to know that i will fall down. i want to be everything i can. i want to start making a difference. im tired of dreaming all the same dreams over and over again. i want to start them. but im scared of letting go of everything i have. i need so much help.
i actually feel mad at God. i know thats not right, but its honest. i dont want this, i dont want to feel this way and i dont want to hear that. it’s just so wrong. it’s so abandoning. i feel no joy, the only “peace” is coming from the standpoint of knowing that i did what i feel like needed to happen. but i didnt want it to. and im so distraught. what the hell am i supposed to do? i’m lost, alone, not feeling much and looking back because i cant stand the thought of looking forward.