who she was

every day for the last few weeks i have been able to choose selflessness in so many circumstances and it has been easy and rewarding and worth it.
only recently has it stung, a little. but i still think its worth it.
my needs can be met even if they arent met the way i would hope them to be, and as long as i can love someone else, or comfort someone else, or support someone else
it will always be okay.

everything is numb
and shaking
and beating faster than my breath can keep up with

and you’re completely worth it

i just have to let it all go
every burning ash
dreams that lit like fire

what happens when you dont know how
or when you have no other way to give up
or you run out of words about surrender

and you go on
waiting to let go
of all the things you arent holding onto

maybe i havent really let go

i swear on all my bones that

you

are stained glass
and we are proof
sitting here separate

whoever thought up miles
distance
and time
must have been in love

i dont even love you
but i know i could
because of the way i see your
tainted, see-through, sad and beautiful pieces
melted together by cast iron fire
and
unwanted pressure
from here

miles from you
silent
waiting for the moon
(you are my moon)
to light the glass

my
empty church is full of presence
but not of you

mark His name on the back of my hand
call me His
i am His
call me His

forget my name and call me Israel
chosen Love
like a prostitute
but He still shows His love

Hosea, Hosea
tell me
tell me i am marked
His name on my lips
my hands
my tongue
like a prostitue
but my love is His

my God
is a devouring fire

swallowing me piece by piece
burn me all down to the ground
i said
but in perfection He
waits
change of body mind
heart and soul
is much more abrassive when it takes
so. much. time.

i have blood as comfort
blood as protection
and blood as a promise

i am set free
with every new chain i pick up and shake on
in attempt to shake off
my Valley of Trouble

“@nattt_nyland: I will return her vineyards to her & transform the Valley of Trouble into a gateway of hope. / Hosea 2.15 The Lords Love for Unfaithful Israel”

i could start now

with all my favorites
the angles
the laugh
the supporting hand behind your head and closed eyes

but i cant
they keep saying hours
but i want your minutes
and this is like a hot room

here is my warning

never fall in love with a boy whos heart turned from a calm ocean
to an untamed sea

he will grab you by the wrists
and take you down

his ocean will lure you
but your windy soul and stormy eyes will drive him into a low tide
and before you have time to come back and steal a safe glimpse
you will be forever hooked at his unashamed unfolding

he turns into a lock and key
when he used to be an open window
you could climb in and out and talk about the weather
but now
now he invites you
lures you
with a trim-cut mold and old feelings you dont remember understanding
and then you remember

all those high tide thoughts from the day you drove by his shores
unaware

you’ve become my moon
i want your stars
the constellations connecting around you
(i want to be one of them)
reflecting our source of light
and moving my mind

i look for you
to see what shape you’re in at night
in the evening you excite me
early
and in the morning
it is so sweet
to see that you might have stayed out for me, to kiss my weary eyes
i look for you

i dont want to stop looking at you

anon, don’t ever disrespect me like that. i will not respond to that. if you want to talk, i want to listen, but have some character.